she's here...our birth story

Out beautiful baby Rosie has arrived. Ten days ago to be exact and I just want time to STOP! The last week of pregnancy was the longest of my life and this first week of motherhood has been the shortest. 

On to our birth story...

The Sunday after Thanksgiving was uneventful for the most part. Aaron and I got up, made breakfast, went back to bed, got up again and went to church. We joined my parents and brothers family for Sunday Dinner afterwards. When I arrived I mentioned to my sister in law that I was feeling pretty swollen and ready to have this baby. My sister in law is a nurse and she pressed on my ankles and confirmed the edema. She also suggested I give my doctor a call because I'd had some itchy hands and feet which can lead to cholestasis, and cholestasis can lead back up of bile in the liver, which can lead to stillbirth. No thank you. I wasn't happy when the doctor confirmed that information and said to come in for labs the next day. How was I going to sleep?  How would I possibly work the next day and worry? Meanwhile my sister in law also checked my blood pressure and it was running pretty high. 

We left dinner and Aaron and I debated on the way home on whether I should just go into labor and delivery and get the labs started for the cholestasis. I really didn't want to wait after a full day of work to get the process going. Aaron wanted me to error on the side of caution so we decided to check on the dog, grab my hospital bag and head to labor and delivery. It wasn't 40 minutes into our visit before the nurse came in and said that with the blood pressure readings that they were getting, there was a good chance that they would induce labor and I wouldn't be going home until after delivery. Surprise! We're having a baby! 

We called our mothers and told them to be on stand by. IV was started and induction was impending. 

The night was a blur in the hospital. Our mothers arrived in the morning and hey had started petocin and a balloon to get things going. Neither were awesome and actually both caused me a ton of pain so I didn't wait long to get the epidural. I don't think my body was ready to labor at all. I was 38 weeks exactly, but feeling no labor symptoms when I went into the hospital. 

My maternal fetal medicine doctor happened to be delivering on Monday so I was really happy to have my own doctor making the decisions and informing me on what was happening. She came early in the morning and told me that I'd developed preeclampsia and that's why the blood pressure was sky high. Not good. 

By 5pm the following day (now Monday), my labor had not progressed. We made the decision to go ahead and do a C-Section. I could hear Rosie's strong heartbeat and all that mattered to me is that she was ok. I didn't want to push for a vaginal birth that could go south very quickly and end up in an emergency C-Section anyway. This way the doctors could do it carefully and we'd give Rosie a good chance of coming out healthy. 

It wasn't long before Aaron was suiting up and we were wheeled off to the Operating Room. I was numb from the chest down and Aaron was behind my head. I didn't feel a thing, but at 7:02 pm on Monday the 27th of November I heard the sweetest sound in the world. Rosie came out screaming. She was alive, she was hear, and she made her grand entrance! They checked her out and weighed her. 7lbs, 2 oz I heard them say. She was handed to Aaron she immediately quieted her cry. Aaron had tears streaming down his face and I laid there getting sewn up as he sang "You are my Sunshine" to her. It was the sweetest moment of my life. 

After all was done they wheeled me back to our room for our "Sacred Hour" as new parents. Rosie came out sucking her fingers and it was the most amazing feeling when she latched right on to my breast and started feeding. There's no words to describe that moment when you start feeding your baby. It's the most natural thing I have ever experienced. It is just what they call it, Sacred. 

Life in the hospital the following week consisted of  Rosie, Aaron, and I bonding with her. Friends and family came to visit and continued the love we have received all along. Rosie and I continued to work on breastfeeding and although we are still learning it is going well. I've had a number of moments where sitting in the quiet with my baby girl I am overcome with emotion and gratitude. I love this baby fiercly and I would do absolutely anything in the world for her. She is my greatest blessing (aside from Aaron and Maddox). Nothing can prepare you for the love you feel when you become a mother. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and such an amazing, glorious way! 

 

We are home and doing amazing! C-section recovery wasn't near as bad as I thought and so far my post partum time has been mostly bliss. Maddox is so sweet with her and I am amazed this dogs ability to cater to the new situation and find  joy in Rosie. He has been very gentle with both her and I and so far I am just so in love with my new situation, and our new addition! 

Thank You for all of your support along the support, the gestures, the love along the way. We couldn't do any of this without our people! I would go through every heartache, procedure, IVF shot,  and horrible pregnancy system again just to meet Rosie. I saw her face and none of that matters! We are truly seeing the Rainbow after the storm and again, we are so thankful! 

Enjoy your Holiday Season! We hope that you too, have much to celebrate at this time of year! 

rainbow baby (our journey to parenthood)

It's Saturday night. I'm baking chocolate cake for Father's Day and as I sit here smelling and wanting to get off my feet, I am also filled with gratitude. Gratitude for this aching back of mine,  my swollen feet, and the reason behind it. I'm 15 weeks pregnant! What!? I still have to say that out loud sometimes because I can't believe it.

It's been a long road, but a journey of hope and I'd like to tell our story while I have the time. While I remember the details...

One year ago, I took a little sabbatical from trying to have a baby. I needed to heal and recover, and live in the present. That time was very important for me, and for Aaron. We spent our summer in Hawaii, on camping trips, with family at Bear Lake, and enjoying our golden retriever puppy Maddox. I put my life back together, started another year of teaching school, and focused on getting on with my life mentally and physically.

In November, one of my kindred's called me to tell me her fertility treatment had worked and that she was finally pregnant. I was so happy for her, we had been on this journey together. I let her know my excitement on the phone. However, when Aaron came home I lost it. I fell into Aaron and sobbed in his arms. This is not because she was pregnant and I wasn't. It was because I realized that I couldn't give up yet. I needed to try again. I realized in a way, in my "putting my life back together", that I was also putting off trying to have a baby because I was terrified, and traumatized by failure and loss. The Holly in me likes to fix things immediately. That night I did the only thing I knew to do to get back on the bandwagon. I made an appointment with my primary care physician, and another appointment with my fertility doctor. Those appointments would turn out to be the turning point for success.

I met with my fertility doctor in December. They ran the typical blood tests, but mostly we just talked about my situation. Finally she explained that Aaron and I kind of fall into the "unexplained infertility" category. She said that we could try some less invasive methods, but really...I was ovulating and Aaron was fine so it might just take a long time and being 36, she said that was maybe time I don't want to waste. She suggested that we give IVF a shot because the other methods had about a 15-20% success rate and IVF at this particular center had a success rate of 65%. If you have ever struggled with infertility you realize that even perfectly healthy, young couples have only a 15% chance of getting pregnant each month, even if all the stars are aligned. Pregnancy is truly a miracle. So, 65% was sounding good. 65% sounded like hope, and hope is what we needed. My doctor also explained that we could get started rather quickly, which also sounded nice.

Our two transferred Embryo's

I came home and asked Aaron if he would consider IVF, fully expecting him to oppose, but to my surprise he said, "sure".  Although he never verbalized it, I think deep down he really wanted to "fix" it too. He wants to be a dad just as much as I want to be a mom. In January we met with our IVF coordinator and by February I was starting my initial exams. I did have to have a uterine surgery, which I am grateful for because I think it led to our success. I credit this to my wise fertility doctor who always errors on the side of caution. In March I started the STIM meds for IVF. I had to give myself shots every day for 13 days. Finally we were ready to harvest the eggs. They got 14, and 13 were mature enough to be fertilized. This was all done through ICSI (a process where they literally inject the eggs with the sperm to be sure that they get fertilized), amazing. We got the call that they had fertilized successfully and then the waiting period of five days (seemed like 30) to find out how many eggs were still doing well and would be ready to transfer. On transfer day we decided to put two eggs back in, in hopes that at least one would implant. I got to be awake for this entire process which was amazing. It's not romantic, but the science behind IVF blows my mind. And let me be clear in that there is some discomfort, mood swings, extreme tiredness in between. It's not all comfortable, but it is truly fascinating. We have two eggs in the freezer for future use.

After that, the dreaded two week wait. Really, it's like 10 days until when you can find out but again, it feels like forever. I had a couple of freak outs where I just really felt like it didn't work. Hormones took over and I was a mess. By the time our beta test came, I had calmed down. I took the blood test and knew I'd get the call a couple of hours later, but I wouldn't see Aaron until 6. I hid my phone in my glove box and told the nurse to leave a message. We said a prayer before listening to it and I was shaking. I didn't want to press play in case it was a no. However, the first thing I heard was "Congratulations, you are definitely pregnant"! I was in shock and so happy and  I looked at Aaron and tears were streaming down his face. Sweetest thing ever. I was so surprised it worked the first time. I have had many friends go through a few rounds of IVF before they were successful so I was prepared for bad news. I still can't believe it most of the time.

9 Week Ultrasound, our Little Gummy Bear

The biggest hump for me to get over was the heartbeat ultrasound. Last year that ultrasound ended in heartbreak and a second miscarriage so I was pretty nervous going into it. When I saw the ultrasound on the screen, I immediately saw a flicker and knew it was a heartbeat. My heart almost burst out of my chest. I was like a little child on Christmas. I felt like I had won the lottery. I had a living baby growing inside me. That is the sweetest sound in the entire world! No wonder people get it recorded and put into teddy bears (doing that soon). The 8 and 9 week ultrasounds to follow were just as successful and my chance of miscarriage goes down every time I hear that sound. I wish I could just hook my ears up to this baby's heart so I could hear it all day.

I graduated from the fertility clinic at week 9 and finally got to see my Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor at 11 weeks. I had never made it far enough to see an OB so I was glad to get past that milestone. Let's be honest, I am glad to get past ANY milestone when it comes to pregnancy. Every single moment of every single day feels critical. 11 week ultrasound was good and the baby was super wiggly on the screen. I love it, full of spunk!

I've had one scare since then, woke up bleeding and went to the ER and was diagnosed with a subcorhionic hemorrhage
(bleeding between the uterus and placenta), but it was small. The doctor said if the hemorrhage is small it usually gets absorbed. I'm praying for that. I have an appointment this afternoon to find out if it has gotten smaller. Crossing fingers. The baby was fine in the ultrasounds, and doing gymnastics in my belly. Such a relief. That same day, at 13 weeks we found out through a genetic blood test that we were having a girl and that all of the genetic abnormality possibilities came back clear.

We've named this baby girl Rose and will call her Rosie. Aaron used to take care of his grandmother's roses, and has loved that flower his whole life. My mother's nick name as a child was Rose. I've done some research on the name and it's been fun to find the meaning it it. The Rose symbolizes love and faith and both have been very prevalent throughout this pregnancy. As you probably know, roses symbolize friendship, love, passion, and purity, depending on their color.

Maddox isn't going to know what hit! He thinks
He's the baby! 

We are so excited to give parenting a go.  We won't be perfect at it, but the struggle to become a parent has increased my appreciation for the divine opportunity to be a mother and I will do my best to magnify my role in little Rosie's life. Aaron will be phenomenal father. We can't wait to meet our rainbow baby (a baby born after loss, representing a rainbow after the storm).

I am hoping that if my friends who are struggling with infertility and loss are reading this, they know that I still stand with them. I will never forget our journey, my feelings, my previous pregnancies, and the struggle. I don't think that just because I am pregnant now that the struggle is even over. We don't know what we will face in the future with trying to have siblings for Rosie. I still understand you, and hurt for you. It was only a few months ago that I was still in your shoes, feeling like my friends who had gotten pregnant after infertility had moved on. I'm praying and pulling for you and you are in my thoughts every day. You are loved, there are options, there is hope. Please don't forget that. If you are in my area and need recommendations for doctors, please call me. I love my fertility doctor. She is smart, she is compassionate, she is fierce with fertility and I owe the world to her wisdom.