rainbow baby (our journey to parenthood)

It's Saturday night. I'm baking chocolate cake for Father's Day and as I sit here smelling and wanting to get off my feet, I am also filled with gratitude. Gratitude for this aching back of mine,  my swollen feet, and the reason behind it. I'm 15 weeks pregnant! What!? I still have to say that out loud sometimes because I can't believe it.

It's been a long road, but a journey of hope and I'd like to tell our story while I have the time. While I remember the details...

One year ago, I took a little sabbatical from trying to have a baby. I needed to heal and recover, and live in the present. That time was very important for me, and for Aaron. We spent our summer in Hawaii, on camping trips, with family at Bear Lake, and enjoying our golden retriever puppy Maddox. I put my life back together, started another year of teaching school, and focused on getting on with my life mentally and physically.

In November, one of my kindred's called me to tell me her fertility treatment had worked and that she was finally pregnant. I was so happy for her, we had been on this journey together. I let her know my excitement on the phone. However, when Aaron came home I lost it. I fell into Aaron and sobbed in his arms. This is not because she was pregnant and I wasn't. It was because I realized that I couldn't give up yet. I needed to try again. I realized in a way, in my "putting my life back together", that I was also putting off trying to have a baby because I was terrified, and traumatized by failure and loss. The Holly in me likes to fix things immediately. That night I did the only thing I knew to do to get back on the bandwagon. I made an appointment with my primary care physician, and another appointment with my fertility doctor. Those appointments would turn out to be the turning point for success.

I met with my fertility doctor in December. They ran the typical blood tests, but mostly we just talked about my situation. Finally she explained that Aaron and I kind of fall into the "unexplained infertility" category. She said that we could try some less invasive methods, but really...I was ovulating and Aaron was fine so it might just take a long time and being 36, she said that was maybe time I don't want to waste. She suggested that we give IVF a shot because the other methods had about a 15-20% success rate and IVF at this particular center had a success rate of 65%. If you have ever struggled with infertility you realize that even perfectly healthy, young couples have only a 15% chance of getting pregnant each month, even if all the stars are aligned. Pregnancy is truly a miracle. So, 65% was sounding good. 65% sounded like hope, and hope is what we needed. My doctor also explained that we could get started rather quickly, which also sounded nice.

Our two transferred Embryo's

I came home and asked Aaron if he would consider IVF, fully expecting him to oppose, but to my surprise he said, "sure".  Although he never verbalized it, I think deep down he really wanted to "fix" it too. He wants to be a dad just as much as I want to be a mom. In January we met with our IVF coordinator and by February I was starting my initial exams. I did have to have a uterine surgery, which I am grateful for because I think it led to our success. I credit this to my wise fertility doctor who always errors on the side of caution. In March I started the STIM meds for IVF. I had to give myself shots every day for 13 days. Finally we were ready to harvest the eggs. They got 14, and 13 were mature enough to be fertilized. This was all done through ICSI (a process where they literally inject the eggs with the sperm to be sure that they get fertilized), amazing. We got the call that they had fertilized successfully and then the waiting period of five days (seemed like 30) to find out how many eggs were still doing well and would be ready to transfer. On transfer day we decided to put two eggs back in, in hopes that at least one would implant. I got to be awake for this entire process which was amazing. It's not romantic, but the science behind IVF blows my mind. And let me be clear in that there is some discomfort, mood swings, extreme tiredness in between. It's not all comfortable, but it is truly fascinating. We have two eggs in the freezer for future use.

After that, the dreaded two week wait. Really, it's like 10 days until when you can find out but again, it feels like forever. I had a couple of freak outs where I just really felt like it didn't work. Hormones took over and I was a mess. By the time our beta test came, I had calmed down. I took the blood test and knew I'd get the call a couple of hours later, but I wouldn't see Aaron until 6. I hid my phone in my glove box and told the nurse to leave a message. We said a prayer before listening to it and I was shaking. I didn't want to press play in case it was a no. However, the first thing I heard was "Congratulations, you are definitely pregnant"! I was in shock and so happy and  I looked at Aaron and tears were streaming down his face. Sweetest thing ever. I was so surprised it worked the first time. I have had many friends go through a few rounds of IVF before they were successful so I was prepared for bad news. I still can't believe it most of the time.

9 Week Ultrasound, our Little Gummy Bear

The biggest hump for me to get over was the heartbeat ultrasound. Last year that ultrasound ended in heartbreak and a second miscarriage so I was pretty nervous going into it. When I saw the ultrasound on the screen, I immediately saw a flicker and knew it was a heartbeat. My heart almost burst out of my chest. I was like a little child on Christmas. I felt like I had won the lottery. I had a living baby growing inside me. That is the sweetest sound in the entire world! No wonder people get it recorded and put into teddy bears (doing that soon). The 8 and 9 week ultrasounds to follow were just as successful and my chance of miscarriage goes down every time I hear that sound. I wish I could just hook my ears up to this baby's heart so I could hear it all day.

I graduated from the fertility clinic at week 9 and finally got to see my Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor at 11 weeks. I had never made it far enough to see an OB so I was glad to get past that milestone. Let's be honest, I am glad to get past ANY milestone when it comes to pregnancy. Every single moment of every single day feels critical. 11 week ultrasound was good and the baby was super wiggly on the screen. I love it, full of spunk!

I've had one scare since then, woke up bleeding and went to the ER and was diagnosed with a subcorhionic hemorrhage
(bleeding between the uterus and placenta), but it was small. The doctor said if the hemorrhage is small it usually gets absorbed. I'm praying for that. I have an appointment this afternoon to find out if it has gotten smaller. Crossing fingers. The baby was fine in the ultrasounds, and doing gymnastics in my belly. Such a relief. That same day, at 13 weeks we found out through a genetic blood test that we were having a girl and that all of the genetic abnormality possibilities came back clear.

We've named this baby girl Rose and will call her Rosie. Aaron used to take care of his grandmother's roses, and has loved that flower his whole life. My mother's nick name as a child was Rose. I've done some research on the name and it's been fun to find the meaning it it. The Rose symbolizes love and faith and both have been very prevalent throughout this pregnancy. As you probably know, roses symbolize friendship, love, passion, and purity, depending on their color.

Maddox isn't going to know what hit! He thinks
He's the baby! 

We are so excited to give parenting a go.  We won't be perfect at it, but the struggle to become a parent has increased my appreciation for the divine opportunity to be a mother and I will do my best to magnify my role in little Rosie's life. Aaron will be phenomenal father. We can't wait to meet our rainbow baby (a baby born after loss, representing a rainbow after the storm).

I am hoping that if my friends who are struggling with infertility and loss are reading this, they know that I still stand with them. I will never forget our journey, my feelings, my previous pregnancies, and the struggle. I don't think that just because I am pregnant now that the struggle is even over. We don't know what we will face in the future with trying to have siblings for Rosie. I still understand you, and hurt for you. It was only a few months ago that I was still in your shoes, feeling like my friends who had gotten pregnant after infertility had moved on. I'm praying and pulling for you and you are in my thoughts every day. You are loved, there are options, there is hope. Please don't forget that. If you are in my area and need recommendations for doctors, please call me. I love my fertility doctor. She is smart, she is compassionate, she is fierce with fertility and I owe the world to her wisdom.