rainbow baby (our journey to parenthood)

It's Saturday night. I'm baking chocolate cake for Father's Day and as I sit here smelling and wanting to get off my feet, I am also filled with gratitude. Gratitude for this aching back of mine,  my swollen feet, and the reason behind it. I'm 15 weeks pregnant! What!? I still have to say that out loud sometimes because I can't believe it.

It's been a long road, but a journey of hope and I'd like to tell our story while I have the time. While I remember the details...

One year ago, I took a little sabbatical from trying to have a baby. I needed to heal and recover, and live in the present. That time was very important for me, and for Aaron. We spent our summer in Hawaii, on camping trips, with family at Bear Lake, and enjoying our golden retriever puppy Maddox. I put my life back together, started another year of teaching school, and focused on getting on with my life mentally and physically.

In November, one of my kindred's called me to tell me her fertility treatment had worked and that she was finally pregnant. I was so happy for her, we had been on this journey together. I let her know my excitement on the phone. However, when Aaron came home I lost it. I fell into Aaron and sobbed in his arms. This is not because she was pregnant and I wasn't. It was because I realized that I couldn't give up yet. I needed to try again. I realized in a way, in my "putting my life back together", that I was also putting off trying to have a baby because I was terrified, and traumatized by failure and loss. The Holly in me likes to fix things immediately. That night I did the only thing I knew to do to get back on the bandwagon. I made an appointment with my primary care physician, and another appointment with my fertility doctor. Those appointments would turn out to be the turning point for success.

I met with my fertility doctor in December. They ran the typical blood tests, but mostly we just talked about my situation. Finally she explained that Aaron and I kind of fall into the "unexplained infertility" category. She said that we could try some less invasive methods, but really...I was ovulating and Aaron was fine so it might just take a long time and being 36, she said that was maybe time I don't want to waste. She suggested that we give IVF a shot because the other methods had about a 15-20% success rate and IVF at this particular center had a success rate of 65%. If you have ever struggled with infertility you realize that even perfectly healthy, young couples have only a 15% chance of getting pregnant each month, even if all the stars are aligned. Pregnancy is truly a miracle. So, 65% was sounding good. 65% sounded like hope, and hope is what we needed. My doctor also explained that we could get started rather quickly, which also sounded nice.

Our two transferred Embryo's

I came home and asked Aaron if he would consider IVF, fully expecting him to oppose, but to my surprise he said, "sure".  Although he never verbalized it, I think deep down he really wanted to "fix" it too. He wants to be a dad just as much as I want to be a mom. In January we met with our IVF coordinator and by February I was starting my initial exams. I did have to have a uterine surgery, which I am grateful for because I think it led to our success. I credit this to my wise fertility doctor who always errors on the side of caution. In March I started the STIM meds for IVF. I had to give myself shots every day for 13 days. Finally we were ready to harvest the eggs. They got 14, and 13 were mature enough to be fertilized. This was all done through ICSI (a process where they literally inject the eggs with the sperm to be sure that they get fertilized), amazing. We got the call that they had fertilized successfully and then the waiting period of five days (seemed like 30) to find out how many eggs were still doing well and would be ready to transfer. On transfer day we decided to put two eggs back in, in hopes that at least one would implant. I got to be awake for this entire process which was amazing. It's not romantic, but the science behind IVF blows my mind. And let me be clear in that there is some discomfort, mood swings, extreme tiredness in between. It's not all comfortable, but it is truly fascinating. We have two eggs in the freezer for future use.

After that, the dreaded two week wait. Really, it's like 10 days until when you can find out but again, it feels like forever. I had a couple of freak outs where I just really felt like it didn't work. Hormones took over and I was a mess. By the time our beta test came, I had calmed down. I took the blood test and knew I'd get the call a couple of hours later, but I wouldn't see Aaron until 6. I hid my phone in my glove box and told the nurse to leave a message. We said a prayer before listening to it and I was shaking. I didn't want to press play in case it was a no. However, the first thing I heard was "Congratulations, you are definitely pregnant"! I was in shock and so happy and  I looked at Aaron and tears were streaming down his face. Sweetest thing ever. I was so surprised it worked the first time. I have had many friends go through a few rounds of IVF before they were successful so I was prepared for bad news. I still can't believe it most of the time.

9 Week Ultrasound, our Little Gummy Bear

The biggest hump for me to get over was the heartbeat ultrasound. Last year that ultrasound ended in heartbreak and a second miscarriage so I was pretty nervous going into it. When I saw the ultrasound on the screen, I immediately saw a flicker and knew it was a heartbeat. My heart almost burst out of my chest. I was like a little child on Christmas. I felt like I had won the lottery. I had a living baby growing inside me. That is the sweetest sound in the entire world! No wonder people get it recorded and put into teddy bears (doing that soon). The 8 and 9 week ultrasounds to follow were just as successful and my chance of miscarriage goes down every time I hear that sound. I wish I could just hook my ears up to this baby's heart so I could hear it all day.

I graduated from the fertility clinic at week 9 and finally got to see my Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor at 11 weeks. I had never made it far enough to see an OB so I was glad to get past that milestone. Let's be honest, I am glad to get past ANY milestone when it comes to pregnancy. Every single moment of every single day feels critical. 11 week ultrasound was good and the baby was super wiggly on the screen. I love it, full of spunk!

I've had one scare since then, woke up bleeding and went to the ER and was diagnosed with a subcorhionic hemorrhage
(bleeding between the uterus and placenta), but it was small. The doctor said if the hemorrhage is small it usually gets absorbed. I'm praying for that. I have an appointment this afternoon to find out if it has gotten smaller. Crossing fingers. The baby was fine in the ultrasounds, and doing gymnastics in my belly. Such a relief. That same day, at 13 weeks we found out through a genetic blood test that we were having a girl and that all of the genetic abnormality possibilities came back clear.

We've named this baby girl Rose and will call her Rosie. Aaron used to take care of his grandmother's roses, and has loved that flower his whole life. My mother's nick name as a child was Rose. I've done some research on the name and it's been fun to find the meaning it it. The Rose symbolizes love and faith and both have been very prevalent throughout this pregnancy. As you probably know, roses symbolize friendship, love, passion, and purity, depending on their color.

Maddox isn't going to know what hit! He thinks
He's the baby! 

We are so excited to give parenting a go.  We won't be perfect at it, but the struggle to become a parent has increased my appreciation for the divine opportunity to be a mother and I will do my best to magnify my role in little Rosie's life. Aaron will be phenomenal father. We can't wait to meet our rainbow baby (a baby born after loss, representing a rainbow after the storm).

I am hoping that if my friends who are struggling with infertility and loss are reading this, they know that I still stand with them. I will never forget our journey, my feelings, my previous pregnancies, and the struggle. I don't think that just because I am pregnant now that the struggle is even over. We don't know what we will face in the future with trying to have siblings for Rosie. I still understand you, and hurt for you. It was only a few months ago that I was still in your shoes, feeling like my friends who had gotten pregnant after infertility had moved on. I'm praying and pulling for you and you are in my thoughts every day. You are loved, there are options, there is hope. Please don't forget that. If you are in my area and need recommendations for doctors, please call me. I love my fertility doctor. She is smart, she is compassionate, she is fierce with fertility and I owe the world to her wisdom.

The Holiday Cards We Never Sent...

I spent a good amount of time today, reading my old blog. It was the blog I started during my single, traveling all over the world years. I got caught up in nostalgia...and part of me ached to chase those waterfalls in Africa again, to spend Saturday's on food tours in Manhattan, to galavant around Europe, or eat pancakes in Thailand.  That was my life?

And then there is THIS blog. The one that reminds me why I am so incredibly lucky to be married to Aaron to be home, my own home, with him. I am fortunate to still be doing what I love (teaching) at an amazing high school. I am surrounded my constants: faith, family, friends.

From the time I was a teenager I have spent a lot of time with children. My first babysitting job, when I was eleven, nieces and nephews, 10 years of nannying, teaching preschool, volunteering in orphanages, studying early childhood in college, teaching child development.  None of this qualifies me to be a mother more than anyone else, but it did make me into a person who was susceptible to comments like, "you are going to be a great mother some day", "you will have the cutest kids", "you are going to be married and have kids before any of us"(friends from high school), and now that I am married..."you and Aaron will be the most amazing parents". I suppose all of those comments are compliments, but still it doesn't and hasn't qualified me to be a mother more than anyone else. I've learned this the "hard" way.

Aaron and I got married when we were both 33, so we didn't want to wait to start having children. We felt that we'd gotten what we needed out of our twenties and were both ready to start a family. After what seemed like a century, we finally became pregnant ten months into our marriage. Looking back, that seems like a very short amount of time...but we REALLY wanted to be parents. This child's birthdate was July 4th. We joked about always celebrating with fireworks, or me waiting a couple of extra days to deliver so the baby could share a birthday with Grandpa Tom.  We wanted to send holiday cards with a cute picture and a due date announcement. Everyone would be so excited. We never sent those cards. Aaron and I shared this excitement with each other for about a week before I miscarried our first child. I had big plans about "how" I would tell my family on Thanksgiving, but on November 18th, 2014 I called my mother, worried sick and told her for the first time that I was pregnant, but I was losing the baby. That was the hardest phone call I've ever had to make. We were shattered, confused, disoriented, in disbelief. We were supposed to be the "cutest" parents. I was "born to be a mother" right?

I remember people telling me things like, "this is just nature's way of telling you something was wrong with the baby" or "things happen for a reason". Comments like this come from a good place, they are well intended but when you just want your baby to have lived, to be parents...they just don't make the cut.

The months that followed were hallow, but we tried to fill the holes by buying and renovating a house, throwing ourselves into classes. I tried to "fix" the problem by seeing a holistic nutritionist and read just about every article you can imagine about miscarriage. I don't recommend that by the way. The day we bought our house, we went for a consultation at a Fertility Clinic. We'd waited a year and a few months after marriage so we thought, maybe we will get some answers. Everything "looked" ok. We got pregnant before so infertility was looked over. Month after month, we were still not having any luck. If anyone reading this has ever "tried" to get pregnant, you know that every month without a pregnancy is like a punch in the gut, a break up, a slap in the face.

In October of 2014 I couldn't take it anymore. We scheduled an HSG test. They basically put dye into your reproductive system so that they can see if the fallopian tubes are open or if there are any other blockages. Fallopian tubes did fine. Ovaries were on point. Uterus...whoah...there's a huge polyp in there!. Two weeks later I was on the operating table to remove it. The doctor said that she was pretty sure this was the reason I'd miscarried the first time and that removing the polyp "should" correct the problem. Everything else looked great. Aaron and I practically bounced out of the doctors office. There was a reason. We're good now. What a relief.

To our surprise, just a month and a half after the surgery I was pregnant again. I didn't believe it at first. I took 8 home pregnancy tests before confirming it through a blood test.  Aaron actually got the phone call that I had missed and brought home flowers and a card that told me the test was positive. We were elated, beyond excited. I was also scared to death of losing another baby. Because I had the surgery, my doctor there told me she would do some early ultrasounds if I wanted. 7 weeks, as I have come to find out is much earlier than "normal".  On the day of the "seven week heartbeat" ultrasound, we had it all planned out. I had asked my mom to come with me to the appointment, but I told her it was a follow up to the surgery. We wanted to surprise her. Just before the doctor came in, we told her we were pregnant and this ultrasound was to see the heartbeat. She was so happy.

Doctor came in, started the ultrasound. Silence...followed by a "Well, I can see the sac and fetal pole but I can't see the heartbeat, we will have to check again next week". My heart sank. Aaron and I cried together in my mother's van. My parents did not know what to say. How in the world was I supposed to get through the week? We decided to tell our families, and asked for their prayers. I pleaded, and begged with my Heavenly Father to wrap his arms around this embryo and save our baby. Surely, with all of these people praying He would answer.

In the weeks that followed, the ultrasounds confirmed our fears.  We never did hear that heartbeat. The baby had stopped growing at around 6 weeks. I remember looking at the doctor with a blank stare as she laid out the "options" methods for miscarriage. I didn't feel like this was a choice I should have to make. I couldn't even cry. I don't think I heard anything she said. This time, I stormed out of the doctors office, got in the car and stared out the window. How could this be happening again? Why? How come Aaron and I have to go through this over and over? So many questions.

The only medical explanation you get when you miscarry is that there was a chromosomal issue, or something genetic but that the testing is inconclusive. It did help me to know that this happens at conception, so all the worry about what I ate, if I moved wrong, could go away. But still...it's not much of an explanation and there is nothing really that can tell us if it will happen again. You are not "high risk" until after three miscarriages, but isn't one enough?

There are no right things to say at a time like this. I think every woman who has experienced a loss has the phrases that they need to block out. For me, the phrase, "At least you were able to get pregnant" makes me angry. That phrase hurts me a lot. It's like saying to a person who just went through a heartbreak, "At least you got engaged". Another phrase, "You will have so much empathy for other women". While that is true...I didn't ask for empathy, I asked for a baby. I asked to be a mother...and it's not working.  So far...the prayers have gone unanswered.

I have spent the past month and a half in a state of shock, disbelief, deep sadness, fear, anger, bewilderment, wonder. It is fitting that it is Easter Week because the Atonement is so close to my heart. Only the Savior knows to the depths that losing a baby, twice, has stung me. Countless friends and family have sent messages, encouragement, and at time have had faith "for" us. Those friends, family, thoughts, and messages have been our tender mercies.

So why would I share this on a blog, a social media site? Why would I be so candid? It is because there are millions of women, many I know personally who have either experienced this or could be experiencing it right now. They are feeling isolated, and alone. Even years later they might be feeling this way. Even if no one reads this, it is cathartic for me to write it. People don't talk about pregnancy loss or infertility because it is uncomfortable. It's not "happy".  And people who have not experienced this do not know what to do or say, and that is ok. Some of the most helpful people to me in this situation have been friends who cannot relate on a physical level, but who can relate on a spiritual level. They've saved me. They are the friends and family who make me feel valued even though I'm not a mom. They don't define me by my ability or inability to be mother. They just like being with me. And to my friends who share this experience, and who have cried with me, our bond is deep and forever. To my pregnant friends and new mothers, I pray for you and for your babies to be healthy, I know how scary it is.

So what is the next step? Move. Move forward. Have faith that things will work out for us. That's all I can do really. We don't really know the outcome or what our family is going to look like. We hope that someday we can send those holiday cards. For now, we have to wait, and sometimes waiting is really hard. But we know that we have a Father in Heaven who loves us and has a specific plan for us. We know that we have a Savior who suffers along with us. Who understands. We know that being kind to everyone we meet is important, because we don't know what battles they are fighting.

Thank you for allowing me to so freely express my heart. -Holly

chapter 11: almost married photos

I should have posted these a long time ago...but Christmas, and being married, and teaching has gotten in the way, and I am okay with that. We want to especially thank our photographer, Shauna for capturing us in love. This is the bride and groom session, before we were married. A perfect snowy December day. More pics of the Wedding Day and Carnival Reception Soon.

chapter ten: the proposal

There are so many fun stories I could share from the summer and the fall that lead to Aaron and I falling deeply in love, but I will only share a couple, and then I need to get to the proposal already, we are getting married in two weeks! Woot!

Best. Gift. Ever.

One of those stories is of my Birthday. This past summer in Utah broke records for the heat. So many days over 100 degrees, and the air conditioner in my house had broken and was going to cost an arm and a leg to fix. Aaron is so thoughtful. I came home from babysitting one night and he had installed a portable AC unit in my bedroom. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. My room had turned from a heat trap to a sactuary. It really was the best gift he could have given me, so perfect. He also came home from work early that day to swim and to take me to dinner. I loved it!

The other story I wanted to share is of Conference weekend. Aaron became very ill that Friday afternoon and by Saturday he needed to go to Instacare to see if they could help him get better. This was prime opportunity to take care of him. I distinctly remember falling more in love with him that weekend. Someone once told me that when you are serving someone it is easier to love them. Taking care of Aaron in the state that he was in proved to me that I would do absolutely anything for him. That is when I realized that I loved him beyond measure.

Bike Ride-Conference Weekend

That same weekend we went over to Aaron's mom's house for dinner. This is typical for us on a Sunday, but that day she was making more hints toward marriage. She had pulled Aaron aside at one point and I didn't really know what was happening. She had made reference to Aaron moving to Salt Lake and when I asked him about it on the way home he said he was thinking of moving up there and getting a roommate. I was only teasing when I said, "well, you could get a girl roommate...you know...like a wife roommate?! (another, "Did I just say that our loud?" moment. Yes, yes I did. Aaron's response was, "well...look in the glove box". There was an envelope and inside there were two wedding rings. They belonged to Aaron's mother and late father. I thought, "is he kidding me right now?"..."he better NOT be kidding?"...."wait, he better not be bringing this up at all unless he's serious about me!!" I tried to remain composed but of course my mind was spinning. When we got back to his house he asked if I would like to use his mom's diamond. After 18 months of knowing each other, I wanted to say..."Honey, I don't care if it's a mood ring at this point, just as long as it's round and fits around my finger!". Of course I loved the dimaond, especailly knowing how speacial it is to his mother. We started talking about some wedding plans, throwing dates out there, etc.  I really couldn't believe we were even having the conversation.

It was about a week later on a Wednesday and Aaron and I were headed to the temple and to dinner...so I thought, but I kind of knew what was to come. We got to the temple and I realized my record has expired after an hour drive to Brigham City. Smooth move Holly, real smooth! I felt awful. but Aaron kept going up the stairs to the temple. He sat down on a bench and motioned for me to join him. We sat there for a minute and stared at the temple and then Aaron got down on one knee and asked if I'd be his forever. He said more than that, but that's kinda personal, ya know? I couldn't believe it was finally that moment. Of course and without a second thought, I said Yes! He took me for dinner at Maddox. We ate fast, we couldn't wait to tell our families.

The ring was gorgeous!  He'd taken his mother's diamond from the ring she gave and put it into a new, stunning setting. I love it.

I cannot believe that our wedding is just two weeks away!  I cannot wait to marry my best friend. Aaron is my world.

chapter nine: summer lovin'

The summer of 2013 was full of fun activities, concerts, camping trips, and projects. Aaron and I were dating, we'd said those three little words, and things were moving right along. Really, this post doesn't have a huge plot, I just wanted to highlight some dates we'd gone on and show some pics from the summer.

Hiking around Strawberry Reservoir

Spending the 4th of July with S & K

Tim McGraw Concert

4th Annual White Trash Bash at the Mildon's

Hanging at the pool with Jammin'

Being goofy with our Cotton Candy

Kenny Chesney Concert at USANA Ampitheater

White Trash Bash close up

At the Ogden Rodeo

Aaron and S having a conversation with their Mickey's at the Harris Family Camping Trip

chapter eight: those three little words

By this point, Aaron and I had been solidly dating for a couple of months. We had started the big sprinkler project at his home and spent a lot of our weekends doing yard work and hanging out with nieces and nephews. Being the couple without kids, we had officially become babysitters for many, and we loved it. Still love it. Summer was here so we spent time at soccer games, baseball games, and swimming at my parent's condo pool. I took a nanny job with two kiddos for the summer, but had Friday's off. I loved taking Aaron lunch at work on Friday's,  and of course his co-workers would tease us all the time.

We had gone to dinner at his mom's house one Sunday. It was a great day and when we came back,  I boldly asked Aaron if he could see us married some day. It was one of those, "Did I just say that out loud?/Gulp) moments. To my surprise, Aaron did not hesitate and said yes. That was the night I told him I loved him. I always said I would wait for him to say it first, but I couldn't take it anymore. I felt it and I said it. Aaron, however...needed some more time to say it back. Are you surprised? Again, just one more lesson in patience for Holly, and that's ok.

One Friday, I had taken lunch to Aaron and asked him what his plans were for the evening. He said he was tired and he'd like to just head home and relax. However, that only lasted a few minutes and I received a text a few minutes later asking if I'd like to go to Maddox and the Brigham City Temple.  I met Aaron at his home in Clinton. He was different. Even more affectionate than usual, and he told me I looked really pretty when I had just come from the pool with wet hair and a thrown together outfit. It was a gorgeous summer night. We went to the temple and afterwards headed to dinner.

 Aaron is always a gentleman. he carried my purse as you will see by the picture. Upon arriving at Maddox, as I was getting out of the car Aaron came around to open my door. He met me with a kiss and said, "I love you". BEST. WORDS. EVER. I kissed him back and throughout the night I kept smiling. There is no better thing in all of this world than the man you love, loving you back. I was over the moon.

chapter seven: aaron's perspective

Well, based on the fact that this is the first post to ‘our’ blog that have contributed, it is probably apparent to you by now that I do things at my own speed at to the beat of my own drum.  You should be very appreciative that Holly has done most of these posts because she ads many more details than I do.  I give you the skeleton with a little skin and she gives you a being dressed to the nines with jewelry, make-up and a sweet smelling fragrance.

Without further adieu, I will touch on a few items.  Holly has detailed things well so I may stick a bit to the peripheral.  Holly and others have asked at what point I knew Holly was the one, or when I knew I wanted to date her exclusive and sorry folks but that isn’t how I’m wired.  I much more follow a natural slow progression than some singularly defining moment. It just felt like the right time to date exclusively and with a little encouragement from Holly it felt like the right time to get engaged.  Holly encourages  me but she knows that if I get encouraged too much I tend to back away, so she does well balancing that.

Holly is beautiful, funny, sweet and smart.  What really won me over was that she treats me better than anyone else has.  The point that we started talking seriously about marriage came after General Conference weekend, which for me health-wise was awful.  I hadn’t been that sick for a while and she just patiently took care of me all weekend. I wanted to get a priesthood blessing, but before I could mention that, she was already across the street introducing herself to my bishop whom she hadn’t met before and asked him to come over.

Holly has done so many considerate things for me.  It’s hard to name them all; she irons my shirts, helps me with all kinds of projects, she made me freezer meals; overall she has been encouraging and uplifting.  When I left my mission many moon ago, the advice President Tveten gave me what that I should get along with life with school and work and that along the way pursue marriage and finding an eternal companion.  She should be someone that in her presence I do my noblest deeds and that being around her helps me want to do and be better.  Holly does that for me.

My least favorite phase in the English language is probably “in due time” and I’ve heard mentioned a few times in blessings.  It can be a frustrating phrase because in due time could be today, could be tomorrow or could be in ten years.  In reality all that phrase simply means is to be patient. In regards to dating I was promised that in due time I meet my eternal companion whom had honored the covenants that she had made with the Lord, and that we would  both choose to get married in the temple, both of which is very important to me.   Life as a bachelor has been fun, crazy, awesome and frustrating at times, but Holly was definitely worth the wait!

chapter six: patience, persisitance, and projects

February came and went and Aaron and I were going out on dates about once per week. This whole,
"Holly is home for good" thing was new to him and in a way I think the thought of him dating me exclusively scared him at first. When I was all the way across the United States it was safe right? Now...I was home. Commitment is a big thing. So, he decided to date some other people when I got home as well.

I knew that I would not get anywhere with Aaron if I pushed the issue. I was going to have to be patient. REALLY patient. Heavenly Father had a hand in this as well. He wanted me to learn something important from this relationship, and that I did. I had heard several times throughout my life that "love is patient. love is kind." I made a plan. I would not push, but I would be interested when Aaron wanted to go out. I would do nice things for him, but not be overbearing. I would wait for him to pursue me.  As much as I disliked that he was dating others, and as much as I didn't want to date others myself, I had to give him that freedom. My little brother Steven set me up with his Principal and we went out. Fun, nice guy, not Aaron. Those of you that have done the "dating other people thing" before know that eventually you start to think about one person more than the others. Luckily, that happened for both Aaron and I.

After several weeks of the dating 1-2 times per week, and dating other people, I went to Aaron's house one night. We were running to the grocery store and he told me to pull over into a car wash. He jumped out and started washing my dirty car before I could even really think about it. I didn't even notice that he snuck a towel in to dry the car. Sneaky he is. When he got back in the car he kissed me for the first time in several weeks. Did this mean he'd chosen me? Really?

While making dinner he started telling me his thoughts on this whole daring thing. And that he was grateful that I was patient and he had almost figured things out. He kissed me again and although I didn't want to get false hope, I was positive.

He started inviting me to his mom's house for family dinners and we were spending more time together. We started doing projects on the house, projects on my parents house, setting goals, etc. We probably needed to have a long talk about what all of this was, but we didn't. I didn't push, I stayed the course. Patient. Persistent. Projects.

Finally, one Sunday night in April we had returned from dinner at his mother's house and were making cookies. Aaron was fiddling with his phone and then showed me what he had been doing. He had changed his status on Facebook to, "In a relationship with Holly Harris". I did a double take and then said, "Oh, are we to that point?". He kissed me and said, "yes...we are". That was it, we were officially a couple. Relief!

chapter five: i mustache you to be my valentine

I had been home a day or two and I hadn't seen Aaron yet. Unlike Christmas, he did not pick me up from the air port. I sensed that he was a little nervous about me coming home so soon after the holidays (I am sure in his mind he was asking how would this affect his independence?), but this was about my dad...and I had to brush it off. Valentine's was kind of up in the air because I was following my own rules. The rules I have passed on to roommates, and girlfriends for the past ten years. I am not a chaser, and have always been old fashioned when it comes to dating. Either Aaron was going to call and ask me out for Valentine's or I would plan a night with my girlfriends, but under no uncertain terms was I NOT going to ask him out. I had to see if he was interested. I've always been under the impression that if a guy doesn't call, "he's just not that into you"...especially when the guys is 32.

He called (whew)....

He asked me out for Valentines (woot)..

He made me breakfast for dinner (yum)...

He made me smile (awesome).

Life in Salt Lake was going to be good.

I brought a package of treats and fake mustaches...and here are the pics! We ate with the VanBeekum's and that night Stephanie joked that she would make our wedding cake.


Now Stephanie IS making our wedding cake, and we couldn't be more excited!

However...I still didn't have this Aaron+Holly thing in the bag. Not all love stories are perfect, but we got there eventually, and in the next post I will tell you how!

chapter four: home for the holidays

So all of the previous questions were weighing on my mind when Aaron called during my layover in Dallas. He asked if he could pick me up from the airport. It was a much shorter drive for my parents, but of course I was looking forward to seeing Aaron so I accepted the offer.

Those of you who have been to the Salt Lake airport, can picture the escalators...the ride down to those awaiting your arrival. Aaron had fallen asleep so was a few minutes late...but as I came out the doors he greeted me with a huge hug and a kiss. Yep, a kiss. So I guess we are doing the "more than friends thing?" 

We arrived to my parents place and Aaron said he wanted to give me my Christmas gift. I assured him it was fine if we waited til Christmas Eve, when we had plans to see Les Miserables, but he insisted. He pulled out a bag from Morgan Jewlers, and I unwrapped the pretty box. Sitting in the box were real pearl earings. What? He got me real pearl earings for Christmas? Followed by more kisses? What's going on here? He also surprised me with a book he wanted to read together, and a 5lb. bag of cinnamon bears, my favorite! So thoughtful. Since Aaron served his mission in Norway and loves the New York Mets, I had gotten him a Mets garden gnome and a dinner to a yurt in Park City. Hardly as nice as jewlery, but I was playing it safe...cause I didn't know...you know?

A few days later we went on our date to the Viking Yurt. The most amazing date I have been on ever. Like EVER! First of all, it was a full moon that night so as we arrived in Park City, the whole ski resort was lit up by the moon, peeking through the Aspen's. I had been to Norway and stayed with Mats Jensen's family. His mother had made me a gorgeous Norwegian sweater and Aaron had purchased one on his mission. We were greeted by a huge sled complete with the Norwegian flag on the back, attached to a snow cat. So. Much. Fun. The sled pulled us up a ski run to the top of a mountain. There, was the cutest little hut looking thing lit up with Christmas lights. We walked inside and were handed a hot berry drink in a pewter cup. The six course meal was fantastic, complete with Scandinavian cheeses, sorbet served in rocks from different regions in Norway, and cardamom ice cream. So magical! If you live in or ever come to Utah, I highly recommend this experience, especially if you are a foodie!


It seemed that as the week went on we kept finding excuses to spend time together. We made dinner with friends, ate dinner with Grandma Murray,  and spent New Year's Eve eating take out and talking. Yeah...we liked each other, but there was this looming distance that we couldn't get past for some reason. Not until there was more established between us. I know what some of you are thinking...isn't this enough to go off of? But, I still wasn't willing to give up my job without a commitment.

This all made sense until this Christmas vacation. Amongst seeing Aaron, I also was seeing my family. My dad was not doing well. He had fallen several times that winter because the heart attack and medications had affected his equilibrium. My mom had been taking it day by day, and because she is so strong hadn't told me what was really happening with my dad's health. She didn't want to worry me, or any of her children for that matter. But children know. I knew something wasn't right.  I came home from one of those dates with Aaron and I asked my mom straight out. How is dad REALLY doing? She couldn't deny the fact that his health had gotten much worse. The next question from me was, "Do you need help taking care of him mom?" She reluctantly admitted she couldn't do it by herself anymore and that was it for me. I needed to come home.  I returned to Connecticut without commitment from Aaron but knowing I had to give my notice and come help my family. I didn't want to leave the Mandell's but resolved to the fact that if anything drastic happened with me dad, I wouldn't forgive myself for not spending time with him.

I returned home a few days before Valentines Day. What was to happen with Aaron and I at that point was still very much to be determined...